Wealthy family to sue Jesus for ‘historical emotional turmoil’

MAEEN,  JORDAN – In a unique case, a wealthy family has filed a lawsuit against the Church for the historical crime of Jesus inflicting ‘emotional and mental trauma’ on an ancient relative.

The family claim they can trace their impressive lineage directly to a figure who had a ‘deeply harmful’ interaction with Jesus around 32 AD. The bible records the event in the gospel of Mark chapter 10, otherwise known as the ‘Rich young ruler‘.

The move comes amid a number of recent cases where historical figures have been sued for historical oppressions.

The spokesperson for the family, Dame Beatrix Cattermole, explained the reasoning behind the legal action:

“If you look closely at this interaction with Jesus, you will see the great emotional and psychological damage the event had on our ancestor.”

“Jesus essentially tells our relative that he will ‘go to hell’ unless he gives up all his worldly possessions.”

“Fortunately our ancestor was far too shrewd to believe him, but it does say ‘his face fell’ and he went away ‘sad’.”

“I’m sorry to say that this mental condition has then flowed onto every generation of our family line ever since.”

“We are just looking for justice, and as the Church is Jesus’ representative on earth and has benefited from such manipulative harm, our legal advice is that we are due damages for the pain inflicted.”

However, the legal team representing Jesus and the Church have filed a response claiming that Jesus didn’t directly say the words go to hell’, but rather simply explained to the rich young ruler that he would need to follow Jesus in order to ‘inherit eternal life’.

“Jesus simply gave this man a choice around what he was going to give his life too,” the Church’s legal team explained.

“Just because someone is offended by Jesus’ words does not overrule personal autonomy and justify petty legal blame.”

The response on social media to the case has been mixed. Some on Twitter have pointed out that the conversation was voluntarily initiated by the rich young ruler and that he was free to ignore Jesus’ words if he wanted to, at their own risk.

Others though have sided more vocally with the family. The hashtags #Jesus-harms and #myfacefallstoo have been trending, and many are hoping that this lawsuit will address the long ignored divisive hate speech present in Jesus’ teaching.

As Twitter user @JillHennessyMP  wrote – “We’re sending a clear message: No one should go away sad when they ask about how to get to heaven. These views won’t be tolerated.”

And @DanielAndrewsMP stated – “I don’t want to give this person’s disgraceful, bigoted views any oxygen. But I think it’s worth saying: Being the Son of God doesn’t give you some right to spew hatred and create division. ”

It is further reported that although the family is primarily seeking monetary gain from the case, they are also hoping it will lead Christians to think twice about the bigoted words they use and the emotional turmoil they can cause.

Piece credited to contributor Simon Camilleri, composer of the viral Nazareth – A Hamilton Parody. For more thoughtful and hilarious contributions, visit Simon’s blog.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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