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Evangelicals criticise King Charles Bible kiss as ‘non-consensual’
WESTMINSTER, UK – In a surprising turn of events, some Evangelicals have come out in opposition to King Charles III’s recent Bible kiss at his coronation, claiming that the kiss was “non-consensual.”
According to a spokesperson for the Evangelical Coalition of the United Kingdom,
“We are shocked and appalled that the new king would be so forward with the Holy Scriptures.”
“Just because he’s the ‘head’ of the Church of England doesn’t mean he gets to treat the Bible like a bit of ‘tail'”.
“We suggest that the King should show some more respect to the Word of God, maybe get to know it a little better first, listen to what she has to say, before presuming such intimacy.”
“Additionally, we would like to complain about the fact that, like an over-zealous groom at a wedding, the kiss went on far too long – causing discomfort for all guests in attendance.”
A statement has been released by the Royal Administration Office indicating that there were no official or traditional taboos broken in the action.
“Be assured that the King was a perfect gentleman regarding his holy kiss.”
“Consent was gained in advanced which was evidenced by certain written declarations.”
“These include verses such as ‘Behold, I will not restrain my lips’ (Ps 40:9) and ‘Righteous lips are the delight of kings’ (Ps 16:13)”
However, this apparent lack of regard for biblical context only infuriated Evangelicals further, and they have now started a #CanonConsent campaign to inform everyone – kings and paupers – of the importance of how to correctly caress the Word.
Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more Royal updates. To read more about the faith of King Charles, see this piece by Premier Christianity.