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Religious Right don vegemite war paint in preparation for political battles ahead
WESTERN SYDNEY, NSW – The Australian religious right is gearing up for the biggest battle in 2000 years after the election of the Australian Labor party.
The Labor party has allegedly committed to destroying as many religious freedoms, gender constructs, and babies as possible in their first term of government, and a number of the hardened faithful are preparing for major spiritual warfare.
“What can I say but we were clearly put here for such a time as this?” said young professional Ezekiel Matthews, smearing his face with a certain popular Australian yeast extract.
“God knows the plans he has for us to make us strong and courageous to preach the gospel to all nations and crush our enemies under our feet.”
“Time to get our persecution on!”
While the Vegemite is flowing freely for individual Christians (while being careful to avoid accusations of blackface), many leading Christian groups appear conflicted as to how exactly to commence the warfare.
Several have however told the Damascus Dropbear that they are exploring creative tactics:
– The Centre for Public Christianity, for example, have indicated their plan to overwhelm the mainstream media with so many winsome opinion pieces and interviews that they tear out their own eyes and ears.
– The Australian Christian Lobby is taking a different approach, with plans to gospel-bomb every government members electoral office until they repent or are suffocated with the Word of God.
– Family Voice Australia is taking a long-term plan, seeking to ‘breed out’ the Government by encouraging Christian families to have no less than 10 kids (one for mum, one for dad, and eight for the glorious religious revolution).
– While Common Grace is intending to be dropped behind enemy lines, gaining trust by talking about climate change and Indigenous relations, and then quickly hiding under a bushel as soon as an unpopular topic is raised.
– And finally, the Caldron Pool have chosen to simply yell ‘Freedom’ at full volume over and over again, while occasionally waving a fist and stamping their feet for good measure.
Be assured that Damascus Dropbear will be selling front row seats and plenty of popcorn for those interested in watching how it all plays out.