Peter FitzSimons to initiate ‘bandana doomsday cult’

SYDNEY, NSW — Australian author and TV personality, Peter FitzSimons, has confirmed his intention to commence a passion project – a bandana cult in preparation for the end of the world – taking his public profile in a new and compelling direction.

“I think it is clear that recent circumstances, with the bush fires and COVID-19 virus, indicate that we have little time left before the earth is utterly destroyed”, said FitzSimons in a statement, “Therefore, perhaps the time is nigh for an end of days party of the like Australia has never seen!”.

“Although I don’t believe in God, or the Queen, I do believe in strong, authoritarian leadership. I think I have all the characteristics required – charisma, eloquence and an unshakable faith in my own opinion – to be a cult leader that will lead us to the new earthly utopia.”

When questioned on the activities of the cult, FitzSimons declared the three main activities of the movement would be football, feasts, and firing up effigies of Israel Folau.

Asked about the symbolism of the bandana, FitzSimons replied that it was “a great equaliser, for use by the long-haired and balding alike.” He also hinted at the development of a ‘handkerchief code’ that could be utilised among future members, but indicated that such secrets would only be available to initiated members.

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