Government introduces COVID Safe app dating function

CANBERRA, ACT — The Federal Government, in an effort to boost download numbers for their COVIDsafe app, has introduced a new ‘social proximity dating function’.

The Minister for Government Services, Stuart Robert MP, said that the new function would not only maintain the original purpose of allowing for timely exposure tracing of COVID19 outbreaks, but could also be used to combat isolation-induced loneliness and connect people made more desperate by months without a significant other.

“The Government recognises that not only do we have to flatten the curve, but we also have to consider how we restore community confidence after the virus”, Minister Roberts said in a statement. “By utilising this multi-functional app in a way that not only keeps people apart, but also brings them together, will bring great benefits.”

One of the functionality changes would be that in addition to the morning COVIDsafe notifications of ‘We need you!’, there would be an evening alert – registering those singles each user may have come into contact with that day – with the notification ‘He/She wants you!’.

The Minister also indicated that should there be a ‘second wave’ of COVID19 which results in a large number of deaths, as seen in other countries, the app’s new functionality would assist in raising the birth rate in the near future.

“Raising the birth rate is the only way to save the economy. Help stop the spread, save lives, and hook up!”

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more COVID-19 news.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular

Copy link
Powered by Social Snap