Frugal white supremacist conflicted about Black Friday sales

Share via:


MELBOURNE, VIC – A thrifty racist bigot has found himself in a pickle over this year’s Black Friday sales.

Thompson Alvatross, 33, declared a crisis of conscience after being worried that any shopping on Black Friday would inadvertently be supporting the #BLM movement.

Damascus Dropbear caught up with Mr Alvatross outside JB Hi-Fi where he was looking longingly into the store window.

“It’s a real annual dilemma for me, do I stay true to my principles or take advantage of these sizzling hot deals?”

“I stopped kneeling completely after #BLM owned it, which I must say is really bloody difficult as a domestic plumber.”

“But I want that white chromebook on special sooo bad.”

“It’s like I do not do the racist actions I want to do, but accidentally supporting tolerance – this I keep on doing.”

What I wretched man I am!

Thompson said he first realised he was racist in second grade, when his teacher told him so.

“In class one day she was teaching critical race theory, and she helped me see I was inescapably a white oppressor.”

“So I thought – well, if that’s who I am, I’m going to be the best dang white racist oppressor I can be.”

“So from that day I’ve been an out and proud confident, bigoted man.”

“But days like this really test my Aryan resolve to resist these incredible deals.”

It is further reported that Thomson has spent the rest of the afternoon picketing outside Westfield with the sign, ‘All Fridays Matter’.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more Black Friday news. For further discussion around ‘Doing what you don’t want to do, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular