Pentecostal University students barricade themselves inside chapel ‘until Holy Spirit released’
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Preacher accused of inventing new nasal ‘sin-variant’ in order to secure compliant parishioners
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS – A celebrity preacher has been accused of inventing a new variant of sin in order to scare his parishioners into obedience.
The accusation comes at the same time as it was uncovered that former UK Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, had been using COVID-variants to scare the general public into compliance during the COVID lockdowns of late 2020.
Church whistle-blowers have now suggested that Pastor Pat Podowski, was attempting the same trick by harnessing people’s fear of sin.
The new sin-variant, according to Preacher Pat, was around inhaling what he termed ‘unholy fumes’.
“Whether it be your neighbour’s barbecue, a woman’s perfume, kale, or the musk of money – the smells of sin are all around us,” Preacher Pat says in a sermon recording taken by the Damascus Dropbear.
“Allowing these scents in is the same as allowing the Devil to reach into your nostrils.”
“He will pick those sinful scents, scratch that nasal immorality, and drag you down into an everlasting stench.”
“Sneeze him out brothers and sisters – remembering that only God nose it all”
“Achoo – bless you!”
However, Peacher Pat is reportedly offering a new ‘sin variant vaccine’, a specialised concoction of communion wine, holy water and anointing oil that would keep the variant at bay for the low price of $29.99 (for the first of 7 installments).
Bible verse masks are also available, with Isaiah 3:24 ‘Instead of fragrance there will be a stench!’ emblazoned across them, and are being made compulsory for all congregants attending live services.
Theologians have questioned the new sin-variant, indicating that any attempt to manipulate or trivialise sin was snot funny.
Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more sin pandemic updates. To read more about how to Smell like Jesus, see this article in the Gospel Coalition.
