Woolworths announce partnership with Scientology

SYDNEY, NSW — Woolworths have today announced a shock partnership with the Church of Scientology, in a move which many commentators believe paves the way for increased corporate and religious mergers in the Australian marketplace.

After photos leaked last week of Scientology recruitment drives in Woolworths supermarkets, Woolworths Group CEO, Brad Banducci, revealed that this was in fact part of a larger plan to see Woolworths utilise their assets and influence to teach people about the wisdom of L. Ron Hubbard.

“After completing a spot purity test earlier on the street last year I became convinced of the truth of Scientology,” Banucci explained.

“When they found out that I was the CEO of the second largest company in Australia, they informed me that I was also eligible to be bumped straight up to the top Operating Thetan level VIII if I agreed to an official financial partnership. How could I say no?!”

Banducci indicated that there would be a number of significant changes to Woolworths over the coming months including:

– A new ‘Sea Org’ naval uniform for all Woolworths employees

– The replacement of all books and magazines with copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s best sellers

– ‘Purity forehead scans’ will now be required at all checkouts

– Woolworths cards will now offer ‘one billion year’ memberships with rewards that include supernatural abilities

– A new Scientology Goods Tax (SGT) will be placed on all non-perishable items

The move has opened the door for potential religious cult/corporate mergers, with a number of other Australian companies expressing interest.

BHP have commenced formal talks with the Mormons, Wesfarmers with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Rio Tinto with the Greens.

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