Wig and robe shortage as entire nation prepares to judge Attorney-General case

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PERTH, WA – Manufacturers are declaring a nation-wide judge costume shortage as Australian’s gear up for judgement of the what is being called the most ironic case in recent history.

Federal Attorney-General Christian Porter, the highest law officer in the Commonwealth, today denied the accusation of raping a young woman back in 1988.

As part of his tear-filled press conference, he explained as he could not judge the case himself due to the conflict of interest. He therefore officially invited all Australians to do it for him – and it seems there were no shortage of enthusiasts on social media.

Inner-Melbourne resident, Sharon Howard, was one of the first to declare her decision.

“Guilty, Guilty, Guilty – how dare he present himself as a victim and cause so much damage to woman across the country by denying it.”

“My thorough and educated judgment is that he step down and be castrated and criminalised immediately.”

However, North Queensland ute owner Darryl Jenkins disagreed with his colleague’s ruling.

“C’aaon, this is just woke pansies making up lies and trying to bring down an innocent bloke simply because he’s a Liberal.”

“Did you see that presser? He’s clearly as innocent as a dove and I bet he’s been a perfect gen’lman towards all women his entire life” 

The judges panel was then split again when Hunter Valley coal miner, Joe Bundy, announced he was reserving his judgment.

“To be honest, after considering all of the available evidence put forward objectively by the media, I’m really just enjoying the entertainment factor of human tragedy,” Joe indicated while munching on some popcorn.

It is further reported that one Baptist Pastor, Rev Hannah Noonan, declared that she was refusing to cast judgment on the matter at all, being too focused on what she called ‘the more important matters of my congregation’.

She did however share that she did say a prayer for Judgment Day to come sooner rather than later, so hearts could be exposed and the matter eternally settled.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more legal updates. For further reading around an eternal perspective on justice, see this piece by Founders Ministry.


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