Westfield installs original Santa to give presents and punch heretics

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SYNDEY, NSW – Shopping Centre giant, Westfield, have shocked consumers by declaring their traditional Santa Claus display will be replaced by an even more traditional St. Nicholas display.

The original St. Nicholas, the inspiration for Santa, was a Greek Christian saint born in the late third century, where he became bishop of a small Roman town in modern Turkey, and developed a reputation for generosity and fierce doctrinal defence – including punching fellow priest Arius at the Council of Nicea.

CEO of Westfield, Peter Lowy, explained the move as an attempt to increase theological awareness as well as improving Westfield profits.

“We have been deeply concerned of the years that people are delving into unbridled capitalism at Christmas without recognising their deeper spiritual needs.”

“Nothing will help consumers’ positive experience more than a slightly terrifying old saint who will drive people away from poor theology and into God-honouring Christmas shopping.”

“He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’ve denied the Divinity of Christ. I have been assured he will deck the halls, and the heretics.”

It is further reported that Westfield will be replacing their Christmas music mix into a continual loop of an adapted version of ‘Jingle Bells’:

Nicholas, you’re the best, Nicky all the way!
Defender of the Nicene ὁμοούσιον Πατρί – hey!
Nicholas, you’re the best, Nicky all the way!
Defender of the Nicene ὁμοούσιον Πατρί.

“There was when he was not,” said Arius & Co.
It seems they had forgot that God has come below
Born in Bethlehem, crucified and raised, not a creature but the One
whom angels hymn with praise – oh!

By the candlelight, share some Christmas cheer!
Give someone a gift! Drink another beer!
For our light has come and burned away our dross.
God in flesh: O come let us Adore φῶς ἐκ φωτός – oh!

Heresy is dull, a bland philosophy,
It steals away the gifts beneath the Christmas tree.
The holy catholic church, bids all our joys increase,
So get beneath the mistletoe and give the kiss of peace – oh!

Every girl and boy, And all the grown-ups too,
Let your hearts be glad, Let Christ be born in you.
Sinners, don’t despair, There’s no need to be blue,
Lift your hearts up to the Son, he’s θεὸν ἐκ θεοῦ – hey

Lyrics credited to Dr Ben Myers from the Millis Institute. Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more Christmas news. 

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