Victorian police expand lockdown to ‘Fruit of the Spirit’

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MELBOURNE, VIC – Victorian laws have expanded police lockdown powers to include restrictions on the manifestation of biblical character attributes known traditionally as the ‘Fruit of the Spirit’.

This comes as police are being criticised for increasingly heavy-handed tactics throughout Victoria.

The ‘fruits’, described in the Bible’s Galatian 5 as nine attributes of a person or community living in accord with the Holy Spirit, include love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

However, as of midnight tonight, these characteristics will no longer be allowed to be displayed in public and risk large fines or jail terms.

Victorian Police Commissioner, Shane Patton, explained the new laws:

“As part of the emergency measures, our police will now ensure all displays of ‘Fruits of the Spirit’ are restricted to private residences.”

“Protests of peace are now out of the question. We will not be patient, we reject all self-control, and you can forget about gentleness.”

“In these rotton times we must reject all biblical imperatives including Psalm 85. Love and faithfulness will not meet together, and you can forget about righteousness and peace kissing each other – that will only spread the virus more.”

Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, also indicated there may be some ‘flexibility’ around the fruits within carefully prescribed limits.

“I understand the difficulties people are facing, but I want you all to know that I am not some thin-skinned, easily bruised dictator in some banana republic.”

“You can still show faithfulness to the Mother State, joy in your Great Leader, goodness towards our glorious laws, and recognise that a police lockdown still kinda counts as a form of peace.”

It is further reported that coconuts have been exempted from the restrictions.


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