Victoria upgrades lockdown to ‘Purgatory’ status
MELBOURNE, VICTORIA – Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, has announced that due to Victoria’s highest increase in COVID infections to date at 428, the lockdown status will be upgraded to the highest level available – Purgatory.
The Purgatory level – borrowed from Roman Catholic doctrine around an intermediate place of purification before achieving the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven – requires all Victorians to be ceremonially purged before leaving their residence to ensure that ‘nothing unclean shall enter the streets of Victoria’.
Premier Andrew’s laid out the details in a press conference today:
“As hard as it is to acknowledge, the anticipated rising death rate requires that we not only prepare our bodies but our souls as well. Therefore, before leaving the house you will need to pay a new COVID tax and be ‘blessed’ by a Victorian bureaucrat.” The Premier stated.
“Victorians have to realise that Purgatory means that salvation is already assured due to my victory over COVID, there just needs to be a little punishment first due to your detrimental social distancing and lack of faith in me.”
The Anglican Archbishop of Victoria, Rev Phillip Freier, expressed concern about the Premier’s new restrictions.
“There is simply no biblical or rational grounds for such a lockdown. The only purgatory that is going to occur is the political purgatory that the Labor Government face when the inquiry into their handling of the second-wave is returned!”
Reports are that there have already been problems with the new lockdown laws, with poorly trained security guards allegedly selling indulgences door to door and claiming that they would officially lessen isolation times. The Victorian police have laid out a set of 95 protocols and procedures to nail such illegal practices.