Victoria introduces conversion shock therapy to ‘cure broken Christians’

MELBOURNE, VIC – Premier Daniel Andrews has introduced controversial ‘Christian conversion therapy’ legislation designed to cure people who manifest dangerous biblical beliefs around sexuality and gender.

The legislation was launched this week by the Premier after significant community consultation with LGBTI+ activists, atheist academics and Green party politicians.

“Although harsh, this legislation will help heal people of faith who are experiencing an unhealthy attraction towards biblical ideas on sex and gender,” the Premier explained.

“These distorted and broken desires for God’s ‘so-called’ design for human flourishing go directly against the teachings of the Government.”

“We will therefore seek to convert these unfortunate souls, using the latest scientific methods, for their own good.”

The Premier also outlined the therapy techniques that will be able to be utilised once the legislation is passed.

“One of the most effective therapies we have researched is the attachment of electric shock pads to conservative pastors which trigger every time they mention marriage, heterosexuality or a binary gender pronoun.”

“We are also experimenting with nausea-inducing drugs which will be administered simultaneously with the presentation of certain passages from their Scriptures.

It is further reported that Amnesty International has coincided the launch of a ‘church kidnap’ program in order to secure freedom for Christians in communities where traditional views on sexuality and gender are held. This allegedly includes the construction of a number of ‘safe-space conversion camps’ designed to accommodate followers of Jesus who are having difficulty transitioning.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more megachurch news. For further discussion on ‘conversion’ therapy, see this helpful blog piece by Murray Campbell.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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