Trans-vaccinated identities leave trendy Melbourne cafes really, really confused

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FITZROY, VIC – A number of progressive Melbourne cafes have been thrown into confusion after people identifying as trans-vaccinated have demanded access to their shops.

This move comes amidst a Victorian Government directed for non-essential business to reject anyone without a vaccine passport indicating their double-vaccination status.

However, in what appears to be a brilliant 4D chess move by unvaccinated individuals, they are now claiming to identify as vaccinated and are demanding access.

“It is a real pickle of a problem,” expressed local café owner Ben Marsh.

“If we deny someone service under the law because they aren’t vaccinated, we would be in breach of the LGBTI+ discrimination laws and potentially be shut down.” 

“However, if we allow them to enter without a vaccination passport we could well be in breach of the public health directions and also shut down.”

“I guess it is kinda a moot point however, considering we are already facing bankruptcy soon due to the multiple Victorian lockdowns.”

The issue has been complicated by the introduction of recent anti-conversion laws by the Victorian Government, with trans-vaccinated individuals now being included under the protected attributes.

That means any attempt to convince a trans-vaccinated person that they are actually not vaccinated at all, could result in 5 years in prison.

Premier Andrews stumbled over an answer to the dilemma when the question was put to him at the press conference today.

“Trans-vaccinated? Well obviously I am pro-trans and support the LGBTQI+ community to identify as they please,” Andrews explained.

“However, anti-vaxxers are the scum of the earth, even if they are really, really good at tennis.”

“So, I guess if we allow people to…um… identify as they like on the passports, but then ban…ummm…or convert to vaccianted…”

It was at this point that Premier Andrews disappeared in a puff of logic and Pfizer.

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