Thomas the Tank Engine granted sainthood

MT DISAPPOINTMENT, VIC — Popular children’s figure, Thomas the Tank Engine, has been canonized into sainthood by the Catholic Church after his involvement in the miraculous location of lost autistic boy, William Callaghan.

William, 14, was found after two days missing in thick bushland following a large-scale search by the Victorian Police and volunteers. The turning point in the search came following the incorporation of prayer, and the playing of the Thomas the Tank Engine theme tune over loudspeakers. The volunteer who found him even invoked Thomas as an intercessory in bringing William to safety.

Father Awdry Wilbert, priest of the Mt. Disappointment Catholic Church, said there was no doubt in his mind that God had worked directly through the Tank Engine.

“There is a story in Scripture where the Lord opens the mouth of Balaam’s donkey to direct the paths of his chosen. Clearly God, in his mercy, has decided to do the same today through the blessed Thomas.”

“In the Catholic Church, a saint must have led a life of heroic virtue, have a true and widespread reputation of holiness, and performed at least one proven miracle. Thomas fits all these characteristics. To parents around the world, Thomas is already a miracle worker – keeping even the most stubborn child quiet. This event today simply confirms what we have all known for a long time.”

There has however been some opposition to Thomas’ canonisation, with online commentators pointing out the many documented sins of Thomas the Tank Engine that would preclude him from being a saint – including his envy of other engines, his overzealous nature, and the incident involving Annie and Clarabel being driven into the mineshaft.

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