Sydney Priests caught working as ‘dog walkers’ in order to visit parishioners

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SYDNEY, NSW – Another crack elite journalistic investigation has uncovered a number of Catholic priests who have taken extra jobs as dog walkers in order to provide care for parishioners during the NSW lockdown.

The priests had allegedly been utilising a legal allowance which enabled social assistance through animal care, but not for pastoral and spiritual support.

Father Gerald Hattikins, from St. Bluey’s Catholic Church in the Hazelwood diocese, spoke to the Damascus Dropbear on condition of anonymity.

“We have a number of our members with serious depression who simply would not survive the lockdown without ongoing pastoral care.”

“So when I saw that priests weren’t allowed to provide support, but dog carers were, I was more than happy to pick up the extra work so at least I can see how my flock are doing.”

“It is a bit challenging sometimes – this one bloody dog called Albert must poop at least 7 times every outing.”

“But if this is the way I have to serve the Lord and his people, I do it with great joy.”

Some commentators and cat-lovers have complained however that the priests were abusing the COVID guidelines, and not acting in the ‘Spirit of the Law’.

“We recognise that some people consider this a loophole, and that we aren’t being ‘responsible lockdown participants’,” the anonymous Father Hattikins continued.

“But our first responsibility has always been to the service and care of the gospel, especially in times of suffering.”

“The only ‘loophole‘ we are worried about is people thinking they don’t need Jesus.”

It is further reported that a number of priests have also started offering a ‘dog walk Eucharist’, where other dog walkers can approach them on the sacred ground of a Catholic Church, and the Priests throw the consecrated bread and wine into their mouths (along with a treat for their dog).

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more lockdown updates. For a great opinion piece about the situation, see this one by Anne-Marie Boumerhe.

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