Sydney Anglican Archbishop election deadlock to be resolved by cage fight

SYDNEY, NSW – The Sydney Anglican Archbishop election has taken a surprising turn with reports that the four candidates have agreed to a ‘Cage Fight’ as part of the nomination process.

With the Synod outcome to determine the new Archbishop deadlocked between the candidates, a determination was made that a mixed martial arts challenge should resolve the issue.

Previously, the bloodletting had been limited to heated speeches and polemical press releases questioning another nominees’ theology.

However, excitement is growing in this world-first cage-fighting encounter.

Russell Powell, Anglican media liaison and promoter of the event, explained how the fight would work.

“It’s quite simple really, four men will enter and only one man will leave – bestowed with the champion’s robe and special pointy hat.”

“Each holy fighter will be stripped to the waist and can choose either a chair, table or Prayer Book to use as a weapon.”

“It was either this or dance fighting, but the (Last Man) Standing Committee determined this approach would raise more interest.”

“Get ready, it’s gonna be a real Bish Bash!”

A special Octagon cage has been built for the occasion, appropriately reflecting the theological significance of the bout.

“We got the cage inspiration from the traditional pulpit octagon design – which is the combination of a circle (representing the heavens) and the square (representing the earth),” Mr Powell continued

“And, let’s face it, nothing could be closer to heaven on earth than four of our toughest clerics smashing each other in front of a live audience!”

The four fighters involved in the battle are all highly experienced brawlers, albeit in the minor tournaments of the church administration circles.

They include Chris ‘The North remembers’ Edwards, Michael ‘Rock Steady’ Stead, Peter ‘Haymaker’ Hayward, and Kanishka ‘The Meat’ Raffel.

The Damascus Dropbear managed to interview Bishop Hayward before the event:

“I’ve been fasting for days to make weight, but I feel like God has anointed me for this one.”

“All I have to say to my opponents is: be careful to avoid my Hayward Haymaker unless you wanna meet your Maker!”

The showdown will be held at the International Convention Centre on May 4 with limited seating available and singing allowed. Pay-per-view is also available through the Sydney Anglican website.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more Archbishop updates. For more about this violent confrontation, see this piece by Eternity News.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking News: The has decided that this year’s election will not be decided by Cage Fighting but revised to Dance Fighting.

The last Archbishop election was the first time Facebook posts were used for a sweet combination of religion and politics and an amazing array of comments piled-on from all quarters.

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