Sunday school Granny sends activist to ICU after “speech violence”

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CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – As #BLM protests continued over the weekend, one severe incident has led to the hospitalisation of a young student by an elderly grandmother.

During a break of their march through the streets, an unwelcome inquiry from a local elderly resident took the activists by surprise. What follows is extremely disturbing, so we warn our readers to proceed with caution.

““It happened so fast” the other protestors reported “The hater came out of nowhere. We hardly had time to pause our peaceful arson before we were descended upon.”

“The oppressor started asking soft, micro-aggressive questions like: ‘Are you OK?’, ‘Are you sure this is the best way to deal with the issues?’ and ‘Maybe I could make you a cup of tea and we could talk it through?’.”

One protestor, 23 year old Madison Jones, reportedly felt the full force of the violent speech, as onlookers witnessed her flying backwards onto the pavement.

“The victim was absolutely assaulted. I personally saw how violently that granny’s every word mercilessly savaged their whole person”, said a #BLM spokesperson.

The alleged perpetrator was 90-year-old Gertrude Andrews, a local Sunday school teacher and part-time flower arranger.

Reports from other protestors in her suburb said they had always suspected she was capable of something sinister.

“I’ve been living around Gertrude for decades and let me tell you, anyone who presents that sweet and invites people to church all the time has something to hide. It’s just a trick to pull the wool over your eyes and uphold the racist, heteronormative and patriarchal system.” said a concerned resident.

Mayor Lori Lightfoot said the incident was an embarrassment to Chicago, and demanded Constitutional reform.

“This is all the proof you need that conservative speech-weaponry must be banned. How many more wretched cases of brutality by the religious elderly can our subjugated tribe take?”

It is further reported that Ms Jones was taken to the local hospital and was treated for shock, anxiety and post-traumatic stress. Gertrude has sent her a get well card and a little flower bouquet.

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