Study shows that baptisms performed in swimming pools are 50% more effective at saving souls

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CAPE TOWN, SA – In a groundbreaking new study, researchers have found that baptisms performed in swimming pools are 50% more effective at saving souls than traditional baptisms.

According to the study’s lead author, Dr. Sebastian Seaworthy, “We found that when people are baptized in a pool, they’re more likely to feel refreshed and rejuvenated, which in turn makes them more open to the Holy Spirit.”

“We are not yet certain as to the reason, but we suspect the chlorine somehow burns sin as well as eyes – purifying both pool and soul”

The study, which was conducted over the course of six months, involved 500 participants who were randomly assigned to either a swimming pool or a church for their baptism.

The results were clear: those who were baptized in the pool had a higher rate of spiritual transformation.

One participant, Francis Floaties, described her experience:

“I was hesitant at first, but once I dipped my toes in, I felt the Holy Spirit splash over me.”

“It was like I was reborn, but this time with a nice tan.”

Critics of the study have pointed out that the pool’s effect on salvation may have more to do with the fact that people are simply more relaxed and comfortable in a swimsuit than in a stuffy church gown.

Regardless, churches across the country are already retrofitting their sanctuaries with flash Eternity swimming pools in hopes of increasing their baptismal success rates.

They are obviously boiling the hell out of the water first, but are anticipating great success.

As Dr. Seaworthy puts it, “Why settle for a sprinkling of holy water when you can dive headfirst into salvation?”.


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