Shock as JI Packer refused into heaven due to lack of intersectional attributes

TORONTO, CANADA – News of the tragic death of Christian theologian, JI Packer, has this week been compounded by a further report of his subsequent denial at the pearly gates.

Angelic witnesses replayed that the day’s Gatekeeper, the glorified James Cone, judged Professor Packer to lack any of the fruit of the spirit: LGBT, female, young, a racial minority, poor, disabled, or from a non-Western country.

“Look, he’s a good guy, but he just doesn’t score high enough on the intersectional salvation scale for us to declare ‘well done, good and faithful servant’.” Cone is reported to have told colleagues. “He’s white, male, old, straight – I mean, let’s be honest, he didn’t stand a chance.”

“It’s a shame because we all know he contributed some of the seminal works of evangelical theology, but you may as well lobby for the preservation of the boys club. Character doesn’t hold a candle to the sweet truths of heaven’s liberation theology.”.

When interviewed after the event, Cone was asked whether some white people may make it to heaven despite their genetic and ethical failures.

“Well, we all know God is impartial, so some white people could make it. If you champion enough progressive causes – like your Jarrod McKenna and Jonathan Merritt’s – then there might be enough uncostly faith to slip by. However, just like the Apostle Paul said, it’ll be through flames by the skin of their teeth.”

John Lewis, the US Congressman and Civil Rights leader who followed Packer into Hades only days later, was reportedly waved right through without even needing ID. There were alleged grumbling from others in line who objected to his 25 year record of championing abortion. Cone however, was dismissive:

“This guy (Lewis) is in the league of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton & Jeremiah Wright – I’m talking a wokeness that’s off the chart. It’s good to see a man enter glory with such a respectable list of godly attributes…regardless of his conduct.”

Lewis and Cone were unavailable for further comment, giving their apologies to attend a session of glorying God. Those present were heard to chant “Woke, woke, woke is the God of equality, heaven on earth declares the holy minorities.”

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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