School installs litter boxes and promises more cat-friendly policies after increase in ‘feline-identifying’ students

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MELBOURNE, VIC – A private grammar school in Melbourne has announced a raft of cat-friendly policy reforms to assist ‘feline-identifying’ students.

The move comes after increasing reports of students who have decided that are actually animals that have been mistakenly put in a human body, and schools who are eager to accommodate their preferences.

The Principal of the school, Diedre Collins, explained the reforms being put in place.

“We are excited to announce that to accommodate our feline-students we have installed litter boxes in the bathrooms, and updating all bullying policies to include the enforcement of purr-son neutral language and pronouns,” Principal Collins exclaimed.

“We have also introduced a number of new specialised classes including mouse cooking, light-chasing, and how to sleep comfortably on someone’s face.”

“To be perfectly frank though, these trans-cats demands are a little challenging at times.”

“They don’t seem to respect authority at all, get distracted easily, and are always looking for praise and pampering despite being largely useless.”

The Victorian Minister for Education, Natalie Hutchins MP, has praised the school and indicated that the department may consider more widespread accommodations of animal-dysphoric children.

“I couldn’t be more pleased that furry students are finally realising they are not fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

“We will ensure that bigoted schools and teachers that refuse to meow down to these furry students face the full claw of Government.”

“Additionally, in 2024 we are hoping to move to a more co-ed arrangements which can introduce students identifying as dogs.”

“We may need to reexamine our sexual harassment policies however in order to increase acceptance of woofing, chasing and ‘bottom sniffing behavior'”

It is further reported that satire is becoming increasingly harder to write due to the genuinely ridiculous news stories out there.


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