Rioters fall asleep waiting for US election results

WASHINGTON, DC – Self-proclaimed Presidential messiah, Joe Biden, expressed exasperation today after discovering that his loyal band of Democrat rioters had fallen asleep while waiting for the final results of the US election.

With legal cases and recounts continuing for extended periods, Biden had requested that the rioters sit patiently as he prepared for his ultimate glorification.

“My soul has been in deep distress even since the campaign began, so I had ask my followers to cease their riotous activities and simply wait for me to return.”

I said to the American people; I’m not really up for this President thing being almost 78 and all, but not my will but yours be done.”

“Unfortunately, once my disciples had stopped shouting and looting, they couldn’t even stay awake for an hour. The spirit was willing but the flesh and virtues were ever so weak.”

It was at that point a mob of Trump Republicans arrived armed with baseball bats and semi-automatic rifles to arrest Biden, accusing him of election fraud.

The time has come, Biden exclaimed.

“I, the Son of…I can’t actually remember now…am betrayed into the hands of deplorables.

Meanwhile, all of Biden’s followers deserted him in ran away back to their mother’s basements.

It is further reported that vice-presidential candidate, Kamala Harris, was questioned as to her involvement, but denied three times ever knowing Biden.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more US election result news. For a deeper perspective on the Garden of Gethsemane and politics, check out this piece in Christianity Today.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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