Publisher rewrites David and Goliath story – now they become great mates

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LONDON, UK – Puffin books UK have announced they are planning to release rewritten versions of the famous ‘David and Goliath’ story.

The move comes on the back of reports that the publisher were rewriting popular children’s author Roald Dahl’s books to try and remove language deemed ‘offensive’ from the originals.

A spokesperson for Puffin books explained why this approach was now being extended to children’s Bible stories.

“To be honest we were surprised that this story hasn’t been updated earlier,” the spokesperson said.

“I mean, do we really want our children to be encouraged to throw rocks at each other and then chop off heads?”

“We thought that children today might identify more with a Big Friendly Goliath, one that carries David around on his shoulder and teaches him about the depth and beauty of Philistine culture.”

Puffin books are also apparently exploring opportunities for rewriting other stories so they can be enjoyed by all.

“We have lots of great ideas floating around our culturally-sensitive publishing bubbles.”

“Firstly we could do a story in which God respects Jonah‘s personal autonomy where they just end up going fishing together with the Ninevites.”

“We could also do one where Moses provides the Pharaoh with 10 presents rather than 10 plagues to try and win him over.”

“Lastly, thinking outside the box, what if the Romans just gave Jesus a job as a diversity and equality officer rather than crucifying him? I think we all can enjoy that one.” 

The new editions are due out in August 2023, and Evangelicals have welcomed reports that they will be printed on highly flammable paper.

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