Public schools to introduce alternative ‘diverse and inclusive’ Scripture classes

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SYDNEY, NSW – Public schools are set to introduce a range of ‘diverse and inclusive’ options for NSW Scripture in School programs.

In NSW schools, Special religious education (SRE) is mandatory for 40 minutes per week for students.

The NSW Teachers Federation had unsuccessfully campaigned to remove the scripture classes, and so were shifting their focus to providing an alternative.

President Angelo Gavrielatos unveiled the unorthodox new approach.

“Sometimes you need to develop creative solutions to antiquated policies like Scripture in Schools.”

“Starting from semester 2, the Teachers Federation will be providing a different kind of scriptural teaching during the designated periods.”

“Our classes will involve important but neglected spiritual elements such as divination, thaumaturgy and the fine art of necromancy.”

“As I always say, if you can’t beat them, hex ‘em!”

There have been questions around whether there are enough public-school teachers adequately trained in the dark arts to run the sessions.

However, Gavrielatos reassured Damascus Dropbear that occultism had already been a core part of state teacher training for many years.

“How do you think we’ve maintained so much power for so many years over the children?”

“In many ways it is exciting to be finally coming out of the shadows and bringing these exciting educational methods into the mainstream.”

“Considering the surprising success we’ve had in getting alternative gender programs in schools, this really is the unnatural next step.” 

Other key ‘alternative scripture’ resources unveiled include ‘Sell your soul: Economics for children’, ‘My First voodoo doll’ and ‘Let’s sacrifice Toby in exchange for new laptops’.

Story inspired by the alternative spiritual work of Steven Rhodes. To understand more regarding Christianity and Witchcraft, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition Africa.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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