Prophet Jeremiah quits after being labelled as ‘hater’
ANATHOTH, JUDAH – A major Hebrew Prophet, simply known as Jeremiah, has resigned his position after online critics have labelled his preaching as ‘hateful’.
The so-called ‘prophet to the nations’ has been known for his fiery prophecies and visions which had condemned his people for their false worship and social injustice, summoning all to repentance.
However, Jeremiah faced a recent Twitter campaign with the hashtag #JeremiahtheJerk, where activists claimed that the Prophet was offensive to women, and should ‘stop spreading a message of hate and aggression’.
The Prophet has therefore informed his flock that he is so emotionally crushed that he cannot continue to bring God’s message to the world.
“I know that God Almighty has put words in my mouth for the nations and kingdoms, but when people say mean things online I just can’t cope.” the weeping Prophet exclaimed.
“Who would’ve thought I receive so much opposition to simply telling people they had polluted the land with their vile whoredom.”
A group of ‘Prophecy diversity officers‘ have offered to provide training to Jeremiah to help him use more ‘seeker sensitive’ language in his proclamations.
“We believe that all Mr Jeremiah needs is to use more inclusive and woman-safe language so he can be seen as winsome and sensitive to his fellow humans.”
“Instead of using words like ‘violence and destruction’, why not try ‘respect and tolerance’.”
“Instead of talking about how God will ‘bring disaster for evil deeds and defilement through idolatrous acts with detestable gods’, perhaps use some nuance by just telling people that ‘God loves them and every decision they make is perfect’.”
It is further reported that Jeremiah has taken the advice on board, and is considering a new ministry in the Uniting Church.