Prophet calls down fire on Facebook, Twitter

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Australian singer/songwriter Nick Cave has been officially recognised as a ‘Prophet of the Lord’, and has used his first pronouncement to make an unusual display of raining fire upon the Canaanite idol of ‘censorship’ and ‘cancel culture’ within Facebook and Twitter.

The declaration comes at a sensitive time for the tech giants, with the recent restriction of a Joe Biden article causing claims of election bias.

The anointing came after Cave spent a period of seclusion in the desert, being fed only by ravens, and returned to civilisation to release his new album Ghosteen. Since the release last September, Cave has been travelling around barefoot warning people to repent before a plague from the Lord was set upon them.

This week however, the newly appointed prophet changed his tune, declaring a judgement upon the ‘bad religion’ of censorship and cancel culture at a packed Los Angeles beach.

“Lord God, let it be known here today that you are the God of free expression, and that I, your servant, am doing these things at your command.”

“I call on all of you people here to love and have compassion on those with alternative ways of seeing the world, else you become inflexible, fearful, vindictive and humourless.”

At this four-hundred and fifty false prophets of media surrounded the beach. Shouting ever louder, they slashed those among them who didn’t immediately condemn Cave’s comments (as is their custom). Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying, but there was no response. No-one paid any attention.

The prophet Cave then stood on a rock and said to all the people, ‘Come here to me.’ He then called down fire from the heavens on the platforms and social media accounts of the false prophets, and they weeped and gnashed their teeth as they had been followed by many.

“The Lord requires mercy, not the sacrifice of ideas” Cave preached, “and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings of political correctness.”

It has been further reported that Twitter has gone offline since the dramatic event.

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