Prime Minister announces JobSufferer test – appoints Prophet

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CANBERRA, ACT – Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced a new ‘JobSufferer’ test, a postcursor to the current ‘JobKeeper’ and ‘JobSeeker’ programs designed to provide financial assistance during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The PM says the test will not only ensure the current programs are not being rorted by individuals and businesses, but also to help prepare people face the reality of long-term employment pain when the money and resources run out.

“I’ve had some internal meetings, and we have decided that the Government has protected the Australian people, their property and prosperity, long enough.”

“The time of testing and an absolute free-market approach has come. JobSufferer will bring out the true Australian Spirit, demonstrating how fair-dinkum we really are!”

Stage 1 of the test, to be initiated in March 2021, will cut off all welfare, family, housing and social services payments across the board.

Stage 2, beginning in June 2021, will restrict all hair and beauty salons, as well as removing Australian universal health coverage.

The Commissioner appointed to administer the test is wealthy and fertile Queensland businessman, Uz Prophet, who the Prime Minister says he personally selected.

“There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who loves Libertarianism and shuns Socialism.” Prime Minister Morrison exclaimed.

“We have also put a good team around him to help him persevere through this difficult period.”

When asked about the long-term economic impact and the reasoning behind such an extreme policy, the PM replied:

I’m yet to explain the full extent of the vision face to face with the Commissioner, but I am confident he is up to the challenge and all shall be revealed in time.”

It is suspected however by some commentators that the ‘Jobsufferer’ test was actually initiated before the pandemic, with the destruction of 3 billion Australian animals through the January bushfires an intentional move by the Government to demonstrate the ‘enduring faithfulness of the Australian people’.


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