Presbyterian church services not impacted by ‘no singing, no dancing, no mingling’ restrictions

SYDNEY, NSW – Premier Berejiklian’s recent restrictions on religious gatherings, which instructed churches not to include singing, dancing or mingling in their services, has reportedly had zero impact on local Presbyterian congregations.

Some churches, such as the growing Pentecostal movement, have indicated great concern that the restrictions impede their ability to hold services at all due to their heavy emphasis on music, movement and sweaty embraces.

However, the NSW Presbyterian State Moderator, Reverend Richard Keith, told Damascus Dropbear that he was confident the Presbyterians would be minimally affected.

“We did have a gentleman in 1997 who was excommunicated for swaying slightly during a hymn, but I can’t say we have had many problems since.”

“There is a funny story from last year where we accidentally found the lyrics to a Hillsong tune mixed in with the organ music, but you can be assured that after tearing our suit-jackets and covering ourselves with sackcloth and ashes the heresy was dealt with appropriately.”

When asked about the potential for ‘mingling’ at the end of a service, Rev Keith looked bemused.

“Mingling? By that do you mean waving to each other as they race for their cars? Our parishioners barely even know each other’s names, let alone have had any level of intentional relational conversation that could be classified as mingling.”

“I guess they figure they have all eternity for that.”

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