Pentecostal University students barricade themselves inside chapel ‘until Holy Spirit released’
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Premier Andrews spied kicking around at local park with oddly shaped ball
ESSENDON, VIC – Premier Daniel Andrews has been spotted this morning at a park in Essendon kicking around what appears to be the head of the former Essendon CEO, Andrew Thorburn.
The incident comes the day after Premier Andrews and Essendon Football Club forced the resignation of Thorburn after only one day due to the discovery that he was part of a Christian church that preached Christian doctrines.
A puffed but smiling Premier Andrews was happy to answer questions in between blood-stained marks.
“As I’ve made clear before, it is simply hateful and bigoted to be involved in a church while expecting to hold down any type of employment.”
“Plus, I see it as my personal responsibility to ensure that salvation never comes near my beloved Essendon Football Club.”
“I also want like to make a personal note of thanks to the Essendon Board after their glorious gift of Thorburn’s head on a platter.”
“Naturally, I could resist the opportunity to have a run around with my mates and put the boot in. Go long Barnham!”
The Essendon Football Club Board released a statement today defending the decision.
“This is in no way religious vilification, discrimination or persecution of Christians, it’s just that….well…we don’t really have a way to finish that sentence.”
Some nervous onlookers asked the Premier whether he considered whether this type of aggressive approach to Christian-shaming may be a case of too much power going to the Premier’s head.
The Premier responded with indignation:
“I’ll show you power going to someone’s head – watch this beauty!”
At which point the Premier booted the former CEO’s cranium well into the Maribyrong river, high-fiving a cheering media scrum on his way back to his chauffeured car.
Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more scam updates. To read the full story and Thorburn’s statement, you can read it at The Other Cheek.
