Porter to announce Religious Freedom Protections – as soon as sexual assault allegations and COVID disappear

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PERTH, WA – Federal Attorney-General, Christian Porter, has promised that he will make religious freedom protections the highest priority – straight after every other Government problem is settled.

Minister Porter has recently been on mental health leave after being accused of sexual assault 33 years ago, but broke his silence today to reassure those at threat of religious persecution that help is on the way.

“As you are aware, the Government promised at the last election to legislate a Religious Discrimination Bill to ensure the rights of religious people and institutions to live out their faith were protected,” Mr Porter explained.

“You have to understand however that, well, some stuff has come up.”

“It’s not that we don’t think religious protections are important, it’s just that we need to ensure we religiously protect ourselves first.”

The issue has been pressed more recently, with the Victorian State Government introducing legislation which literally bans prayer.

However, the AG seemed unconvinced that such legislation, as well as the dozens of religious freedom legal cases currently running, created any additional urgency.

“Look, there is a time for everything – A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.”

“A time to embrace, and a time to refrain.”

“A time to legislate promised religious freedoms, and a time to hide behind a pandemic and deny assault accusations.”

At that point, the Attorney-General then looked off wistfully into the heavens, perhaps reflecting on the meaning of life and happier times.

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