ABC appoint Pontius Pilate to boost political crucifixions

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ULTIMO, NSW — In a surprise move, the ABC board has appointed the controversial Roman Governor, Pontius Pilate, to step into the key role of managing director in order to increase the number of political crucifixions.

This comes on the back of a recent ‘expose’ on Attorney-General, Christian Porter, which some described as a ‘tabloid-style hatchet job‘. 

A spokesperson for the ABC explained the reasoning behind the decision. 

“Due to budget cuts, a changing media environment, and a desire to become even more dictatorial – we are pleased to announce Pontius as our new Managing Director.”

“We anticipate his fresh perspective on governance, truth and torture of political opponents will help us dominate the news cycle with an iron fist.” 

In a public appearance, Governor Pilate welcomed the appointment and said he was excited by the opportunity:

“I am honoured to head an organisation with such a strong reputation for impartiality, fiscal prudence, non-political appointments, and balanced issue coverage.”

“These aspects of course demonstrates the ABC’s weakness, and will be the first things I wash my hands of as I enter my tenure.”

However, Governor Pilate’s press conference was interrupted by a local Christian pastor, who yelled that the new ABC Managing Director ‘wouldn’t know truth if it was standing in front of him!’.

ABC security, dressed in their new imperial uniforms, were quick to escort him from the building.

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