Perpetual state of lockdown declared in Victoria until ‘all death and mourning ceases’

MELBOURNE, VIC – The Victorian State Premier, Daniel Andrews, today announced his plan allow lockdown laws to be extended indefinitely.

The powers allow Government to continue restriction citizen movement at any time they feel there are outbreaks occurring, harm being done, or criticism of government handling of hotel quarantine.

The Premier explained the reasoning behind the expansion in a press briefing this afternoon:

“After doing some reading of an old book, I realised that we have been thinking too small in our vision of salvation for this State.”

“By these new powers invested in me I will be able to wipe away every tear from the eyes of every Victorian for all eternity.”

“There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain as under previous Governments.” 

Premier Andrews also indicated a planned ceremony in the Victorian Parliament for the anointing of his Ministers as ‘Priests of the new holy Garden State’.

“We, the Victorian Labor party, will be with you and pledge to swallow up death forever. We see a new Victoria and a new Melbourne, for the first Victoria and the first Melbourne have passed away.”

It is further reported that there will be no elections or Parliamentary sittings during the State of emergency, with Premier Andrews heard muttering something about being the ‘Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End.’

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more COVID updates. For further discussion about the actual eternal plan, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

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