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Pastor Mark Driscoll arrested after running ‘organised church crime syndicate’
SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA – Celebrity Pastor Mark Driscoll was arrested yesterday after authorities uncovered that he was actually the head of a vast organised church crime syndicate.
Driscoll, known as the ‘Godpastor’ within the syndicate, has been linked to dozens of crimes involving intimidation tithing, spiritual abuse, and multiple ‘missing parishioner’ cases.
Senior Constable, Julie Roys, outlined the evidence surrounding the 3-year investigation of Driscoll’s organised church affairs.
“We became aware of the Godpastor’s patriarchal control over what can appropriately be described as a ‘church mafia.”
“Each parishioner was given a loyalty title which ranked from ‘Prophet Consigliere’ all the way down to ‘Chair stacker’.”
“This tightly organised church syndicate was then able to exert undue influence across local Christian businesses, theological colleges, and home bible studies”
One parishioner, now under witness protection, shared with Damascus Dropbear some of the inner-workings of Driscoll.
“I was only at the rank of ‘backup vocalist’ and so I never really got that close to Driscoll, but I did see some frightening stuff.”
“There was this one kid, Vince, who fell in love with the Godpastor’s daughter.”
“The Godpastor was against it however, and one day this kid just disappeared off the worship team.”
“No one ever heard from him again. Word is the Godpastor preached him a sermon he couldn’t refuse. “
It is further reported that Driscoll was planning a broader take-over of the ‘Five Megachurch Families‘ before the arrest.