Nightclubs start spinning worship tracks in desperate bid to remain open

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SYDNEY, NSW – Nightclubs across Sydney have announced they will now start playing church worship music in a last ditch effort to keep their business’ open.

At the beginning of January, the NSW government banned signing and dancing at nightclubs due to COVID, but allowed religious services to continue doing so.

These latest restrictions, which infuriated nightclub owners have claimed as ‘inconsistent’ after seeing scenes of Hillsong youth shirtless, singing and dancing, have forced the sector to think creatively.

Barry Green, of Sydney nightclub ‘Levels’, explained the decision.

“Like any good business we have to adapt to keep offering our goods and services, even if it means molding our seedy nightclubs into puritanical church service.”

“It has meant some major changes to how we do things however.”

“All of our DJ’s will now be required to play only worship music, but I must say we are finding that some those holy jams can be mixed and scrubbed in pretty funky ways.”

“Also, from now on all beverage services will be labelled ‘communion’, with pre-blessed ‘blood of Christ’ on tap and available in a range of cocktail forms,”

Green went on to claim that the new nightclub church services had proven very popular, and was actually bringing in significant profit.

“Fortunately there was little additional investment required, as we already have beaming lights, fog machines and young adults in skinny jeans.”

“It actually turns out that most of the churchy youth leaders already attend our nightclubs of a Saturday night, so for many it was a natural shift to start attending our all-night worship raves.”

“We have also been raking it in as instead of charging an entry fee, all we have to do is get our deacon bouncers to come around with buckets and look intensely at the congregants until they feel guilty enough to give a decent offering.”

There have been further claims that revival was in fact breaking out at a number of nightclub church services, but others claim that it is probably just the crystal meth.

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