New Mutant COVID strain discovered – Professor calls for calm

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GLASGOW, SCOTLAND — Renowned Professor of genetic transformation, Charles Francis Xavier,  has called for calm after reports that mutant strains of the COVID virus are causing powerful physical transformations.

British health authorities have warned that ’emerging evidence’ suggests the new strain of COVID-19 not only spreads 30% faster, but can bring about increased strength, speed, and mental capacity.

Professor Xavier, also known as Professor X, was the first to provide research on the new strain, Since being infected August last year, he claims to have discovered a range of mutations.

Speaking telepathically to journalists from a round metal room, the Professor cautioned people not to be concerned.

“Although news of a ‘mutant strain’ may seem scary, my scientific research shows that the side-effects are stable and entirely safe.”

“Those who have been mutated by this new strain should not be frightened by the beneficial changes in their own bodies.”

“It is also important that these ‘mutants’ should not be feared by others. We should tread carefully, and above all remain united as a species.”

Other academics however were less circumspect with the reports, indicating that those who were ‘mutated’ were actually the lucky ones. Dr Max Eisenhardt, from the University of San Marco, was also mutated with the strain. He indicated that humanity should embrace the viral mutations.

“What COVID may have actually done is grant us entry to a new phase of human evolution. Something almost divine,” Dr Eisenhardt, also known as Magneto, explained.

“Perhaps we stand on the precipice of a new dawn, where those who are mutated can take a significant role in leadership.”

“Like the ancients, we could evolve into gods; bringing forth salvation to this dying world.”

It is further reported that a unique cluster at the Glasgow Evangelical Church has caused a number of surprising manifestations, with parishioners claiming to be able transform communion wine, heal the sick, and even walk on water.

The church pastor, who accidently brought down literal fire when preaching, encouraged all to remain calm.

“Remember that God is in control, He loves you, and that any gifts or mutant powers should always be used for the Glory of God.”

Story credited to Dropbear contributer, Daniel Brewster. For more discussion around trusting God in the pandemic, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

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