Victoria receives new Chinese masks, help prevent spread of government criticism by 99%

Share via:

MELBOURNE, VICTORIA – A Chinese mask manufacturer has provided 2 million masks free of charge to the Victorian Government, claiming their product slows the spread of the COVID19 virus as well as shutting down 99% of all government criticism.

Negotiated under the Victoria’s Belt and Road Initiative, the deal provides the government with ‘priority safety masks’ to be distributed to professionals considered ‘high risk’ – including private security guards, journalists, opposition party members – to ensure the safety of all Victorians.

The masks – made from a high tensile strength material similar to duct tape – stop the their wearers from becoming infected by preventing inhalation through one’s mouth and nose while also inhibiting contagious speech.

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews told the Damascus Dropbear that this was another example of the wisdom we could learn from the rulers of overseas jurisdictions in their response to the pandemic.

“We may have beaten back COVID, but we are well aware that other hateful viruses are active in our community.”

“We are therefore grateful to the Chinese Communist Party for this unconditional gift, and have received assurances from tests in Hong Kong that these masks can protect entire populations.” 

“We look forward to distributing these masks over the coming weeks, and have decided to prioritise churches as the main distribution networks.”

“We have noticed high-risks clusters appearing in these buildings in the lead up to our glorious Change and Suppression legislation, and so are ready to help stop people dying.”

Journalists were given the masks to wear for the press conference, which unfortunately prevented any questions from being asked.

It is reported that commentator Andrew Bolt collapsed at the event after being made to wear several masks, and was later admitted to hospital. He is expected to make a full recovery and be released at the conclusion of Premier Andrew’s State of Emergency powers.

Unfortunately, no dissenting figures could be contacted for comment, with the Opposition party indicating they didn’t need any masks as they don’t criticise the Government anyway.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more COVID-19 news. For more discussion around the removal of freedoms in Victoria, see this piece in Eternity News.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

Most Popular