New Bible translation removes the demonisation of “Evil” Spirits

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NOOSA, QLD- After a long campaign, a new bible translation has finally been published which removes all negative language associated with the so-called “evil” spirits throughout the New Testament.

Facilitated by the Noosa Temple of Satan, the ‘Spirits Are Spirits’ translation was completed by the group’s president, Robin Bristow.

He spoke at the book launch about the reasoning behind the project.

“Previous bible translators have been blind to their own prejudice,” Bristow said.

“Just because the text describes a spiritual being possessing a child against their will, or tormenting someone mercilessly, it doesn’t mean that we should automatically assign it with the label ‘impure’.”

“This sort of biased, angel-normative language tries to force all spirits into two binary boxes – good or evil.”

“Today, with the launch of a Spirit Neutral Translation, we finally have a version of the bible the is appropriate for our modern, progressive, tolerant and affirming society.”

During a press conference, Bristow was asked what he thought about the fact that the spirits in question were only described as ‘evil’ due to their association as minions of the Dark Lord Satan himself.

Declaring himself offended by the insensitivity, Bristow didn’t provide an answer other than to politely inform the reporter that the use of the word “dark” in reference to Satan most likely revealed a form of unconscious racism.

Out of respect for the spirits that had been victimised by previous translations, Bristol then closed the book launch with large bonfire and a moving traditional Satanic ritual.

In what is now being reported as a ‘highly unusual event’, in the middle of the ceremony legions of demonic spirits from the pit of hell quickly possessed those present, causing many attendees at the launch to convulse violently and throw themselves into the fire.

The Damascus Dropbear reporter was miraculously untouched.

Bristol, who survived with only minor burns, later called for calm and encouraged understanding of the metaphysical guests.

“Just because they’re demons,” he said, “doesn’t mean they should be demonised.”

Piece credited to contributor Simon Camilleri, composer of the viral Nazareth – A Hamilton Parody. For further reading around whether Christians really believe in demons, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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