Morrison employs new ‘coal-sling’ approach in China dispute

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CANBERRA, ACT – Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced he is launching a new ‘coal-sling’ diplomatic approach with China in their ongoing trade dispute.

The initiative comes amidst increasing tensions over China’s ban on Australian thermal coal exports as punishment for Canberra’s support for an international probe into the COVID-19 pandemic’s origins, with about 50 ships carrying Australian coal still stranded off the Chinese coast.

The Prime Minister explained the reasoning behind the new strategy:

“I think we are acting in fear, rather than faith, in regard to this whole affair with China.”

“What we need to do address the problem from the top, ‘deal with its head’ if you would, and I believe that the coal-sling approach will do exactly that.”

It is not yet entirely clear what the ‘coal-sling’ approach involves, but some suspect it involves a similar action that Morrison took in 2017 where he brought a single lump of coal into Parliament.

“When negotiations renew I plan to walk right up to China and tell them that God, and the USA, are with us, and will save us from any acts of aggression,” Prime Minister Morrison declared.

“If that fails, I will then I will bend my mighty arm and hurl my coal at their fiercest warrior, and encourage all the Australian ships full of coal to do the same.”

When the Chinese Communist Party’s General Secretary, Xi Jinping, was asked about the new strategy, he sneered in contempt:

“Am I a rabid bat, that you come at me with a lump of coal?”

“I defy the agricultural, seafood and mining industries and American economic gods that you hide behind.”

It is further reported that those close to Prime Minister Morrison believe that, if the Prime Minister is successful, will use the victory to open up a new Monarchy/Republic debate with the aim of inserting himself as a permanent Australian king.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more diplomatic updates. For further information about the China and Christianity, see this article in the Diplomat.

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