Pentecostal University students barricade themselves inside chapel ‘until Holy Spirit released’
Megachurch hires new ‘ugly’ pastor to avoid adultery problems
SEATTLE, WA – A Seattle megachurch has unveiled their new ‘ugly’ lead pastor, an appointment intentionally designed to lower the risk of ‘pastoral adultery’ damaging the church’s reputation.
The move comes on the back of some high profile church scandals including Hillsong’s Carl Lentz, Pastor John Gray, and recently deceased apologist Ravi Zacharias.
Chairman of the selection board, Mr Des Hamilton, explained the thinking behind the appointment of Dr. Atkin Rowanson.
“There have been so many issues around the temptations of ‘celebrity pastors’ and ‘hot gospel messages’ that we thought we’d better shift the narrative.”
“Dr Rowanson’s slightly misshapen head ensures that congregants will no longer be distracted through desire, and can instead focus on the unadulterated word of God.”
“He has even assured us as an added protective measure that whenever a woman does talk to him, he can’t help but burst into fits of giggles.”
Dr Rowanson explains how he viewed his extreme ugliness as a gift from God for the advancement of His purposes.
“Well, you see, anything that makes people look away from me, and look toward God, must be a good thing,” the Rowanson explained.
“In Isaiah 53:2 it says that even Jesus himself wasn’t handsome, and had ‘no beauty that we should desire Him’.”
“So, I guess, I am simply reflecting his glorious disfigurement and repulsiveness of our Lord.”
It is further reported that Dr Rowanson is seeking to replace all images of Jesus on the cross into ‘more realistic’ versions with crooked teeth and no six-pack, and has written to director and actor Mel Gibson personally asking him to ban Jim Caviezel from playing Jesus in the upcoming Passion of the Christ – Resurrection feature film.
Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more megachurch news. For further discussion on issues around ‘Celebrity pastors’, see this piece by the Gospel Coalition.
