Image Credits: John Phillips/Getty images
JK Rowling releases new book, burned at the stake
PERTH, SCOTLAND – A mob of activists have made a citizen’s arrest on beloved children’s author JK Rowling, accusing her of ‘bad magic’ and burning her at the stake as a Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist (TERF) witch.
This unfortunate tragedy follows the release of Rowling’s new book, Troubled Blood, and also controversially speaking out on sex and gender issues.
Reports indicate that Rowling attempted to reason with the mob, explaining that she had vast experience in identifying witches, and that holding biologically-accurate beliefs about men and women was not a criterion.
Unconvinced by Rowling’s appeal, the mob stormed her Scottish residence brandishing pitchforks and dressed in various Harry Potter paraphernalia.
Rowling was then taken down the road, to a pre-prepared funeral pyre where the accusations of witchcraft and heresy were read out, before being burned to death.
Members of the mob were asked why they were so convinced that Rowling was deserving of such a punishment.
“Well, her blasphemy for one was on display for all to see. Such devilish motions as thinking ‘boys are boys’ and ‘girls are girls’ could corrupt our impressionable youth,” said one male activist, while dressed in a Hermione Granger outfit.
“Secondly, her absolute brashness in not bowing down to our carefully constructed rainbow idols as one of the elite is unforgivable”.
“She turned me into a traditionalist on gender identity” accused another activist, garbed in a tight-fitting cosplay Dobby outfit. “Fortunately I got better”.
Some local Christian ministers attempted to stop the execution by dismantling the pyre and appealing to the crowd.
These pleas included Rowling’s positive influence on the reading habits of millions of children worldwide, and that the burning of people who you disagree with would ultimately lead to great suffering.
The mob continued to chant slogans such as “Hey hey, ho ho, JK Rowling has got to go” and “Love wins” while the flames burned, with efforts to free Ms Rowling unsuccessful.
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