Jesus rides donkey in Melbourne Cup, comes last but claims victory

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FLEMINGTON, VIC – Controversial Jewish Carpenter, Jesus Christ, has been entered into Australia’s most famous horse race, the Melbourne Cup, after a late scratching of the Future Score.

Dressed in traditional robes and riding on a donkey, who he calls Balaam, Jesus has been given the longest odds ever distributed at 10000/1 ($10001 dollars for a win, $3250 for a place).

Curiously, Jesus indicated he would decline the use of a riding crop. This was unless, Jesus quipped, ‘the donkey happened to wander into a temple’.

The results of the race were unsurprising, with Verry Elleegant coming in first, Incentivise second and Spanish Mission third (just as Jesus had surprisingly predicted in the pre-race press meeting). Jesus and Balaam came in last by a full lap.

In a shocking twist however, at the celebrations Jesus took to the podium and declared that he was in fact, victorious.

“Didn’t you believe me when I told you that the last shall be first and the first shall be last?

“I must say I also found it a little odd that there was so much cheering for a horse crossing a line, but none when the Son of Man came riding in offering salvation.”

“You Australians are a little mixed up aren’t you?”

It is further reported that fifth place horse, The Chosen One, was later rebuked by Jesus for blasphemy and a poor attempt at cultural appropriation.

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