Jesus defends ‘Karen’ caught in Bunnings tirade

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MELBOURNE, VIC – Popular Jewish Rabbi, Jesus of Nazareth, has shocked social media today by placing himself in between stone-throwing Twitterati and anti-mask wearing ‘Karen’.

Karen, as she is unpopularly known, was dragged before the mob after videos surfaced of her sin of verbally confronting Bunnings and Australian Post office staff over policy requirements to wear a mask in-store during the Melbourne COVID outbreak.

The High Priest, Karl Stefanovic, judged her initially and cast her out of the Today Show Sanhedrin. It was at that point that a crowd formed, as was seen throwing righteous abuse at the woman, calling her names such as ‘harassing harlot’, ‘thoughtless tramp’ and ‘maskless Magdalene’, but the Teacher intervened.

“Let he who has never ranted in a moment of frustration cast the first stone” Jesus declared.

It is then reported that Jesus bent over and drew a picture in the dirt. When asked why he wasn’t sanitising his hands, Jesus indicated that it was what was in one’s heart that made them truly unclean and infected.

At that point Twitter slowly began to disperse, drifting away to find lives and deleting their accounts, until the entire social media platform collapsed.

Jesus then stood up, turned to the Karen and said “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. I say to you that you are no longer a Karen, but ‘Laqueta’, which means ‘she who is quiet and calm‘. Go and sin no more.”

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