Israel returns from exile for NRL promised land

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BRISBANE, QLD – Rugby superstar, Israel Folau, has allegedly embarked on his long-awaited return from exile to the National Rugby League (NRL) promised land.

The journey comes after Israel’s previous career was sacked and pillaged by the Rugby Australia overload, Raylene Castle, who declared their opposition to Israel’s God and his sharing of biblical verses on Instagram.

After a prophesied 70 weeks in exile with the Catalan Dragons in the godless foreign land of South France, early reports indicate that Israel will once again flourish in his blessed homeland Australia NRL.

Israel gave his first official interview to the Damascus Dropbear:

“It has been an extremely difficult time away from my people, my home, and my football – but God is faithful,” Israel said through tearful eyes.

“I know that many people will not be happy with my return, and may even come against me, but I will have no fear on or off the field.”

“My aim is to be a light to the nation, the message of salvation to the Gentiles, and a bulldozer to those who try and stop me from scoring.”

A group of Horonites journalists, however, have become greatly incensed, preferring to keep Israel in ruin in order to protect their own careers. They have started to taunt and ridicule Israel from behind their walls:

“What does that feeble and homophobic Israel think it’s doing? Does it think he can restore its career in a day from that rubble, burned as it is?”

“Will he offer Instagram sacrifices in its new contract renouncing its God and beliefs? Or is it going to continue to preach of a new King in football?”

It is further reported that Israel is carefully writing down the names of all those who stand against him and his God, just in case he is required to one day inform the world who else might be going to hell.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more sporting news. To read the story of the Hebrew exile, or what Israel Folau said about his own journey, click here.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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