Inspired by Floyd/Chauvin verdict, Church finally rules on those responsible for the death of Christ

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VATICAN, ROME — Inspired by the Derek Chauvin guilty verdict in regard to George Floyd, the Roman Catholic Church has announced it has completed its investigation into those responsible for the death of Jesus Christ in 33AD.  

It has been revealed that a special committee was formed in the year 1051 to determine the level of guilt of those involved in Mr Christ’s final moments, and, due to the various levels of bureaucracy in the Catholic Church, has only now been released.

Italian Cardinal Crescenzio Sepe announced the findings from the steps of St. Peter’s Basilica.

“We stand in solidarity with the US today in its decision of justice, but also want to draw attention to other injustices yet to be resolved.”

“We have determined that Jesus’ death was ultimately due to the violence of Roman police nearly 2000 years ago, and we have therefore laid posthumous criminal charges against them.”

“Mr Christ was an innocent man, arrested without charge; restrained with excessive force; beaten and humiliated at the headquarters; denied a trial by a jury of his equals; and then executed using a cruel and unusual method of punishment – justice must be done.”

“To add insult to injury, we have concluded that Mr Christ was in fact targeted due to his extremely unique racial profile as the only begotten Son of God.”

The Catholic Church also reaffirmed that previous theories of ‘The Jews’ being ultimately responsible for Jesus death could now be disregarded.

“We have dismissed culpability charges against the Jews after comprehensive examination of Roman soldier body camera footage, eyewitness testimonies and post-resurrection autopsy results.”

“In all honesty, it is a bit ridiculous to try and blame a whole race for a single murder.”

“There are however a number within the Temple aristocracy and supporters of the rebel Barabbas who may face related charges.”

Complicating the matter however, at the release of the report a number of pastors and grassroots Christians have come forward and tearfully confessed their personal responsibility for Jesus’ death.

Additionally, some forensic biblical scholars have claimed to have evidence that the death was actually an elaborate plan of Jesus himself, in coordination with God the Father, and that ultimate responsibility should rest solely upon his shoulders.

We will bring you more of this breaking story as it develops.

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