‘Holy Spirit Economists’ accused of insider trading

SYDNEY, NSW – A group of highly successful Christian financial traders are being accused of illegal activity after reporting huge gains which they claim was due to the ‘leading of the Holy Spirit‘.

The small trading company, calling themselves ‘The Pious Profits’, have recorded an unprecedented 100% win/loss trade percentage on the Australian Securities Exchange over the last few months.

On Tuesday, the Finance Sector Union submitted a formal complaint with the Australian Securities and Investment Commission claiming ‘suspicious financial irregularities’.

However, company director Derrick Schluter, has indicated that there is nothing illegal about using the power of God to predict the market.

““Look, the free market works in mysterious ways but we reckon we have a pretty good handle on the economy of God.”

“For a long time we have be aware that what Adam Smith called ‘God’s Invisible Hand’ has been a very real and active market force.”

“It’s not our fault that most day traders are blissfully unaware of modern biblical application techniques around the Parable of the Talents.”

“As Psalm 18:32 say – For God equips us with power, and makes our trades perfect.”

Some local bishops however have raised concerns however that such ‘free market theology’ may blur the lines between Capitalism and Christianity.

“We are slightly worried that these ‘Holy Spirit Economists’ are misinterpreting the intended meaning of various finance related scriptures,” explained Sydney Anglican Bishop, Glenn Stead.

“We know that God wants us to be prosperous and has previously intervened in financial affairs, but I am not convinced that the gospels indicates He is still working that way today.”

“I have also heard that the group may be inappropriately interchanging theological terms, for example praying for each other to be ‘filled with the market forces’.”

“They have, however, been making some quite sizeable donations to the diocese lately due to their success, and so I imagine our deliberations on the matter may take some time.”

It has been further reported that ‘The Pious Profits” regularly hold intense prayer meetings where what look like ‘banknotes of fire‘ rest upon each of them and they speak in unknown financial languages that are then interpreted and used in the stock exchange the following day.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more financial news. For deeper reflections on Capitalism and Christianity, see this piece by the Jubilee Centre.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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