Image Credits: Anders Hellberg / Wikimedia Commons
Greta Thunberg confesses to releasing COVID19
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — Teenage Swedish activist Greta Thunberg has shocked the world by confessing to the release of the COVID-19 virus, and has accepted culpability for the global devastation caused, in order to improve global environmental conditions and reduce emissions.
“We warned you that we will not let you get away with this”, Thunberg said in a statement, “We said that a line would be drawn and change would come whether you liked it or not.”
When asked about the circumstances surrounding the virus’s release, Ms Thunberg outlined how she used a covert solar-powered scooter to travel cross-country from Stockholm to Wuhan, camouflaged in a black hemp ninja outfit. She then broke into the Wuhan Institute of Virology to obtain the virus, before releasing it into the nearby wet market using a miniaturised wind turbine.
“While the suffering is unfortunate, it was a necessary evil in order to save the planet. Pollution from cars and planes has plummeted, China’s emissions have fallen by 25% since the beginning of the year, and individual’s carbon footprints have all been dramatically reduced”.
Global political leaders have at this stage been unsure how to respond to the revelation, recognising that criticism of the activist’s actions was usually met with public disapproval.
The Prime Minister of Spain, Pedro Sánchez, questioned whether Ms Thunberg was aware that there would be punitive consequences for her actions, to which Ms Thunberg simply replied, ‘How dare you!’.