Greens commit to permanent social distancing from public opinion

MELBOURNE, VIC – The Australian Greens leader, Adam Bandt, has announced that despite the easing of Victoria’s COVID restrictions, his party will be committing to a long-term separation from all practical economic and social policies supported by the majority of Australians.

Mr Bandt outlined his vision today over the appropriately socially-distanced media site, MySpace.

“As is usual for the Greens, we endeavour to have the most passionate and extreme pandemic policy response.”

“That is why we are pledging to keep Green’s policies at least 1.5m distance from all common sense within the Australian community for the foreseeable future.”

“This way we can ensure that we don’t get infected by any sensible or reasonable thought viruses from the general population.”

The announcement was made as part of a ‘Greens New Deal’ platform, which includes such innovating policy solutions as:

– Raising the tax rate to 120% for middle class and above, and increasing minimum wage to $200 AU per hour

– The provision of free health, dental, housing, transport, clothing, food, sex and Netflix for all global earthlings and rational animals

– The immediate destruction of all polluting vehicles, as well as companies and households that aren’t 100% renewable

– The abolition of gendered bathrooms, schools, sports, marriages, hairstyles, vocabulary and pregnancies

– The banning of animal abuse which includes racing, zoos, meat consumption, household pets and fences

–  Criminal sanctions for all ‘Christian conversion attempts’ and the return of all tithes given in the last decade.

It is further reported that in order to maintain the distance politically, the Greens plan to set up a separate Parliament on their adjoining Tasmanian farms.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more political updates. For a different perspectives on Christians on the Greens, see this piece by Eternity News.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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