Government smears instant coffee on Melbourne doors to keep people indoors

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MELBOURNE, VIC – The Victorian Government has been forced to take the drastic action of covering suburban entryways in cheap coffee to ensure Melbourne residents stayed indoors during the COVID19 outbreak.

This comes after hundreds of breaches of recent lockdown restrictions by people who continued to leave their homes during the curfew.

As of Monday morning, council workers have been commissioned across the city to smear the doorframes of violators with ‘International Roast Coffee‘.

The move is not without precedence, with Premier Daniel Andrews taking the advice from his close Chinese communist partners who reportedly welded doors shut in Wuhan during the China outbreak.

Early data indicates that the strategy has been effective due to the extreme coffee snobbery of Melburnians, but some residents have been expressing outrage.

“This is a contravention of our fundamental human rights to freedom, property, and a good cup of java” said Andrew Cox of Southbank.

“If it was Moccona, Nescafe or Bushells we could have at least had a chance – but International Roast is bloody cruel and unusual punishment!”

The previous time the technique of ‘doorframe spreading’ was used was in ancient biblical history as part of the 10th plague of Egypt. At that time, however, it was lamb’s blood which was utilised to protect the Israelite people from the judgment of God, rather than instant coffee protecting people from the wrath of Premier Andrews.

It is further reported that South Australia, Victoria’s neighbouring State, has begun to stockpile the coffee in case more extreme border protection measures are required.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more COVID19 news. For further discussion about coffee and Christianity, see this piece in the Washington Post.


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