General suspended after ‘biblical level’ war crimes uncovered

SYNDNEY, NSW – Decorated war hero and SAS commander, General Joshua Hoshea, was suspended today after a war crimes inquiry uncovered a spate of ‘biblical level’ atrocities.

General Hoshea has been highly decorated due to his previous work in spy reconnaissance, as well as the unorthodox but brilliant conquest of a terrorist stronghold.

However, the inquiry report alleges serious war crimes after he was promoted to SAS Commander and include murder, the burning of villages, and animal cruelty.

Defence Chief Angus Houston made the announcement today at the release of the findings:

“We all recognise the fine service that General Hoshea has made to our nation, but these allegations raise too many questions.”

One particularly confusing report was that the General abused his powers by facilitating a hailstorm and stopping the Sun and the Moon for an entire day.”

“I have therefore suspended the General until such a time as we can determine the actual events and chain of command.”

However, General Hoshea has denied any wrongdoing, saying that every action was directly and faithfully following orders from on high.

“I understand the claims against me need to be investigated, but I pledge to be strong and courageous throughout”

“The Lord promised me that no-one would be able to stand their ground against me as long as I live – and I presume that includes battles against pencil-pushing bureaucrats and politicians.”

It is further reported that some soldiers have accused the General of religious intolerance and racism after he instructed them not to marry foreign woman less they drive them away from God and be a ‘thorn in your eyes’.

Sign up to the Damascus Dropbear for more army news. For further theological discussion around Old Testament violence, check out this article by the Gospel Coalition.

The Damascus Dropbear exists to develop satirical news which helps people laugh, then think, about theology, culture, church and politics from a biblical worldview. Our mission is to help others to engage with the Bible, explore questions around religion, and ultimately see Christian principles and ethics inform our society. If you would like to support our project click here.

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