Former PMs test positive for irrelevance, quarantined indefinitely

SYDNEY, NSW – Former Prime Minister’s Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull informed the public today that they have tested positive to the fatal virus infection scientists are calling COVIDRELEVANCE20.

The announcement comes on the same day Mr Rudd displayed symptoms after using his significant influence to submit a complaint regarding a cartoon in the Australian newspaper.

Mr Turnbull was found around the same time in a critical condition, after unsuccessfully attempting to give away copies of his new book, A Bigger Picture, at a local car wash.

The hospital administrator, Dr Julia Howard, described the patients as stable, but deteriorating:

“Unfortunately, this virus is all too common among formerly powerful individuals prone to narcissistic displays. Symptoms include deflated chest cavities, shrinking heads, and involuntary fits of shouting.”

Hospital Chaplain, Pastor Paul Abbott, explained that he was providing close pastoral care to the men:

“In my experience those who hold on too tight to power, who let its gain and focus define them, often have trouble letting go. In the Bible, the concept of servant leaders are those ‘kings’ who realise that even at the height of influence they are but stewards, preparing the seat for the return of the King of Kings.”

It is further reported that former Opposition Leader, Bill Shorten, is being carefully monitored after displaying milder forms of the illness.

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